Ask and you shall.... keep asking?

Someone said something to me yesterday and since then,... I feel as if it sparked a thought that has been ringing in my ears all week. My friend recently went through some fairly significant life change and was commenting on prayer... he said some thing along the lines of how surprised he was of how much of his prayer life consists of asking God for stuff. He said that and at that moment it was like my world stopped. It was like one of those scenes in a movie when the camera all of a sudden does a quick zoom to a tight shot of my face and you can literally hear the wheels turning in my head! That comment shook me... it made me see a reality that I often turned my gaze from. 

I began to really think and process why this thought hit me to the core and then I realized it. I realized something i didn't want to realize. I realized my prayer life consists so much of me asking God for things that I fear that if I didn't ask for things,... I would have nothing to say. Complete and utter silence... probably uncomfortable and naked silence. Is my relationship with God really that shallow? Is my relationship with God like that of a stranger I meet at my table at a wedding reception... soaking with friendly greetings, pointless chatter and fake interest. Wow... I hate those conversations because they feel so phony and forced. I don't want my relationship with God to be like that... I want it to be so real that it hurts. 

So,... yesterday I decided I would spend this week in prayer but I wasn't allowed to ask God for anything. Our conversation could only consist of praise and silence. It was so difficult. I had to catch myself and stop... a lot.... in fact, more times than i'd like to admit. I told God during my morning drive that I would spend it in complete silence and try to hear what He had to say. A minute later a tractor trailer in front of me blew it's tire and almost hit me. I really don't know what that's supposed to mean. I haven't really drawn any conclusions about it yet, I know God is revealing a good work in me... i just don't have the eyes to see it yet, but I'm sure it will come in His time. Control is a hard thing to give up... but when you do... it changes your perspective and you start seeing things a little clearer!

P.S. You need to get the new Leeland CD....... incredible!

Are those fighting words???

So, I've been fighting this inner battle as of late... and I can't seem to determine yet who is winning. It's making me more aware of the many crusades that are fought everyday but go unnoticed because the echoes of war are muffled by chest cavities. It shouldn't surprise me how often these battles are fought considering the state of the world and it's desperate need of redemption, but it does. I mean, everybody seems all cool and collected. Tidy and neat. But if you could hear the silent screams of fear and criticism...the shouts ringing inside our heads, out of earshot to rest of the world...then maybe our perceptions would fade. Everybody fights the war of the heart and i'm recently reminded of that.

I've been fighting for confidence. The enemy has hurled arrows of insult at me and my armor is feeling insufficient. I don't know how much more I can take. I have the overwhelming sense that I can't do anything. That no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up to what i'm capable of becuase it's too difficult. It will take too much work... and too much time. I can't fight like this...I have no real weapons. All I have is my heart and in it's bruised and battered state, it's close to surrender. Surrender...surrender? Why would I even consider it? If I surrender... I truly have nothing. And if I have nothing...what will identify me...what will be my worth? Why does this thought all of a sudden feel so irresistibly freeing? Has this fight really been about something else?

It seems that the tables have turned. This inner conflict really isn't about a lack of confidence in myself, it's been about a lack of confidence in God. It's been a battle over control and the enemy really wasn't the evil tyrant I imagined him to be. I'm the tyrant. I'm the control hungry man who wants to have the final say. But life doesn't work that way. You can't claim a faith in God and not be willing to give Him what is rightfully His. And I am rightfully His...you are rightfully His. Oh, and by the way, I'm not talking about Sunday you, or Gave-the-homeless-man-a-dollar you, or Read-The-Purpose-Driven-Life-in-public-as-a-witnessing-tool-you. Giving God little moments like these are easy and take virtually no effort. It's easy to claim God's supremecy in these moments. But what about when you feel like you are literally walking through the hopelessness of hell. What about moments like those? You know what those moments are...those are the moments that really show us how genuine our faith really is. Jesus isn't interested in redeeming moments...Jesus wants to make ALL THINGS new.

When we choose to believe there is no hope, in essence we are telling God that He is not capable of doing His work in the world and that is unaccpetable. Our small dreams are incapable of concieveing the plans the Lord has and in the same token our minds tend to limit God to our own agendas. That is why the thought of surrendering the battle is so freeing. When you take the step to give up control and the need to understand you then start to realize the opposition was actually fighting for you and not against you. Be careful not to misinterpret peace talks for fighting words...it will really save you some avoidable wounds.

To Whom it May Concern,

There's no easy way to say this... so, i'm just going to say it. You have something of mine and I want it back. You took it a few years ago and I acted like I didn't care. In fact, I was so good at acting like I didn't care, that I actually convinced myself that I really didn't care. But the truth is... I did. I am beginning to realize how much the truth hurts. I feel like you robbed me of something that you had no right to take. The thing that kills me is that I just let you take it. I didn't even put up a fight. And now I walk around feeling incomplete. I feel like a ghost going through the motions of everyday life feeling a fraction of what I should be. And instead of seeking out what is rightfully mine... I let you consume my moments. All I can think about is how much you've wronged me... and how you can still smile while you cut me deeper. I carry this...everyday! I struggle with the weight of this every single step. Like a cinderblock is tied to my back, i'm slowed by the bitterness and pain that you've left me with... and you're not worth it. You don't deserve the amount of time I spend thinking about you. So,... I just wanted to let you know... that your reign is over. As difficult as it is for me to say and whether you care or not... I forgive you! Did you hear me???? I said,... I forgive you. And I mean it. I won't carry this weight any longer. The crazy thing is that this has helped me realize that i've always had the power to take back what you've taken. I just didn't put forth the effort. I gave you more strength than you ever had. So, i've taken it back and I will gaurd it and fight for it till my last breath. I found my peace.

Rob