the cost of character...

"A man lays the foundation of true greatness when he becomes more concerned with building his character than with expanding his reputation." - William A. Ward

When I was in 6th grade I did something most 6th graders only dream of. I pulled off an enormous feat. Something so extraordinary that when I look back on it now, I am still astounded at my ability to engineer something so methodical yet so sinister. I was good... and I knew it. 

It was the Christmas season of 1993. It was my brother's turn to open up the present that I had probably spent three dollars on at the school Santa Shop. I knew it wasn't anything special... I only bought gifts for my brothers because I had to. It was a fake gold chain. As my brother opened his present he screamed with excitement. You would have thought I bought him a Super Nintendo. I had no idea such a cheap gift that I spent zero time picking out would cause such a commotion. My brother loved it. Over the next week I became extremely jealous over his love for the necklace. I began to wish I had bought it for myself. 

As a kid I would attend an Awana's program at a local baptist church every Friday night. On one occasion I begged my brother to wear the necklace. I thought for sure I would get the attention that I had known all too well. My notions were confirmed when I showed up that night. I walked around puffed up as kids began to notice my borrowed status symbol. Little did they know that it really wasn't anything special. They had no idea that it was already starting to tarnish and would sometimes leave a bluish-green stain around my neck. Later that night a boy much younger than I approached me with a proposition. He began to tell me that for Christmas his Grandmother had given him not one, but two crisp one hundred dollar bills. I had never even seen a hundred dollar bill before. I doubted their existence so he pulled them out of his pocket and instantly I was awestruck.  It didn't take long to make me a believer. He then told me that he was prepared to give one of the hundred dollar bills to me in exchange for my brothers necklace. Well, I didn't even hesitate... I mean come on, do you know how many cheap necklaces I can buy with one hundred dollars! It was the perfect scandal... and I was rich. I even ended up telling my brother I had lost his necklace and I never had to buy him a new one. Many years later I shared that story with my family. They couldn't believe I did such a horrible thing. It really was awful.  What is even more awful is the way it reflected my fractured character at such a young age. 

I once heard someone say, "Character is what you are when nobody is looking." I remember when having "good character" used to be an important thing to aim for. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe it's something less sought after these days. I feel like everyday I hear about people who are willing to whore out their integrity in the search of self-gain. Whatever happened to the desire to do what is right... even when nobody else is watching? Does striving for integrity still exist? Is altruism real? I believe it is... I know it is. I write this to serve as a reminder. All too often I find myself looking back on good intentions that never really surface because I'm too lazy to grapple over what I want and what is right. I forget that righteous character is worth fighting for! 

Are you contributing to the demise of good character? Do you find yourself reluctant to fight for what is virtuous and honorable? Do you willingly hand over your integrity for instant gratification? It's easy to do... we all do it. But if there is ever going to be hope for this world, it requires people who are willing and ready to stand up and do battle with themselves. People who will do the right thing even if nobody notices. It starts with the small things. Is the character of Christ worth fighting for? What will it take... what do you need to do?

my walk of shame....

"The Love of God is Absolute"

-Billy Graham

I was reminded again this week of how much I love my small group. It's no wonder that the early church exploded overnight. If it was anything like my small group I can understand why everyday people were divinely inspired to do amazing things for the glory of God. This past week we were discussing how difficult it is to actually live out our faith. We found that many of us tiptoe on the tightrope of casual Christianity because of either fear, lack of confidence, or laziness. It's so easy to write off these deficiencies as actually waiting for the right moment. I mean think about it... how many times have you not chosen to speak up about something that you know is wrong because you're afraid you will be viewed as "that guy". Or how about this one... you would rather just not address that issue because it would just take too much time... and you are sure that God has someone else better equipped to deal with that person. I find myself arguing with that voice in the back of my head on a daily basis... and I think he's getting tired of the excuses. 

I was reading some old notes this afternoon and I came across this quote from Billy Graham. It kind of hit me right between the eyes. It's such a simple statement. The love of God is absolute. I find that statement to be so simple and true in it's very nature but my blurred reality seems to redefine it. I sing it's validity everyday but my casual stroll through life doesn't match the tune. 

As a follower of Jesus I am supposed to see the world with the eyes of the Savior but I don't. I am blinded by my own desires and lack of effort. There are people that I come in contact with that drive me crazy. There are people who desire my attention and I let myself get distracted by the next person in line. There are people I avoid because I don't want them to "bring me down". I choose my own comforts and cravings nine times out of ten and I'm getting tired of the lip service. 

I have been challenged recently to focus more on loving with the absolute love of God. Loving others regardless of their labels and regardless of my benefit. Everyday people are given the opportunity to chose Heaven or Hell... and I'm tired of letting Hell be an option. I want to create more opportunities for redemption... whatever that looks like. Maybe it's complementing that coworker who makes my blood boil or maybe it's taking the time to notice and listen to that person without looking for what's in it for me. All I know is this world needs more glimpses of Heaven and I can't wait around for other people to create them. It's our job as believers to reclaim this world. So what does that mean for you? How are you going to create more opportunities for people to choose Heaven? 

strengthening your senses

It's funny how at different times in your life,... some things just stand out. Some things are just easier to notice. It almost comes natural and there's no real way to explain why. Recently I have begin to notice the amount of emotion behind the human eyes. I have no idea why this all of a sudden has become something that triggers an alarm on my instinctual radar, but it's been happening more and more. It's amazing to me to see how much emotion can be expressed with a stabbing glare.

Just last week I was helping a friend of mine watch his kids and it astounded me how his little girl could relay loads of emotional information with just one uncomfortable glance. It was clear that this girl did not trust me and knew I wasn't her father. It was clear because I saw it in her eyes. This baby can't even talk yet but she said plenty with the look on her eyes.

A few days ago I went and spoke to a large group of students at a church. It was a blast. They were having a huge event that would last all night with great activities for students like ice skating, and a riverboat cruise. They had me come in and give a message about the saving grace of Jesus. I talked about how the world is messed up because we as humans are messed up. We choose to live a life of sin because it's easier than living the way we are meant to live. Then I began talking about the lies Satan whispers in our inner ear about how we will never be good enough, we won't measure up, there's no hope, and there's no point in trying to change. It was a message that I love to share because it's one that I wrestle with all of the time. Even after I spoke I began to hear Satan whisper in my ear, "you blew it, nobody was listening, that was a waste of your time, God's can't use you." He knows exactly what to say to cut you down and make you think you are incapable of anything good. Then I saw something that silenced the screams in my inner ear. I felt like all of a sudden I was under water or that I had lost my hearing and had to rely on strengthening my other senses to notice what would come next. Everything else went silent and I could hear this girl's eyes. It's like they were screaming for rescue. She walked up to me and she didn't have to say a word. I already knew.

Her eyes... seared that moment in my memory and I hope that it remains a scar. I never want to forget what her eyes shared with me. It seemed as if it was God himself telling me and the voices in my inner ear, "never underestimate me or what I'm capable of. I am bigger than you could ever possibly understand and nothing can stop my ferocious love." God speaks through anything and everything. The truths of our Savior are saturated in our everyday lives. God is trying to tell you something and sooner or later you are going to hear it in ways you couldn't imagine. Listen with your whole being and you will hear the message.

Are those fighting words???

So, I've been fighting this inner battle as of late... and I can't seem to determine yet who is winning. It's making me more aware of the many crusades that are fought everyday but go unnoticed because the echoes of war are muffled by chest cavities. It shouldn't surprise me how often these battles are fought considering the state of the world and it's desperate need of redemption, but it does. I mean, everybody seems all cool and collected. Tidy and neat. But if you could hear the silent screams of fear and criticism...the shouts ringing inside our heads, out of earshot to rest of the world...then maybe our perceptions would fade. Everybody fights the war of the heart and i'm recently reminded of that.

I've been fighting for confidence. The enemy has hurled arrows of insult at me and my armor is feeling insufficient. I don't know how much more I can take. I have the overwhelming sense that I can't do anything. That no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up to what i'm capable of becuase it's too difficult. It will take too much work... and too much time. I can't fight like this...I have no real weapons. All I have is my heart and in it's bruised and battered state, it's close to surrender. Surrender...surrender? Why would I even consider it? If I surrender... I truly have nothing. And if I have nothing...what will identify me...what will be my worth? Why does this thought all of a sudden feel so irresistibly freeing? Has this fight really been about something else?

It seems that the tables have turned. This inner conflict really isn't about a lack of confidence in myself, it's been about a lack of confidence in God. It's been a battle over control and the enemy really wasn't the evil tyrant I imagined him to be. I'm the tyrant. I'm the control hungry man who wants to have the final say. But life doesn't work that way. You can't claim a faith in God and not be willing to give Him what is rightfully His. And I am rightfully His...you are rightfully His. Oh, and by the way, I'm not talking about Sunday you, or Gave-the-homeless-man-a-dollar you, or Read-The-Purpose-Driven-Life-in-public-as-a-witnessing-tool-you. Giving God little moments like these are easy and take virtually no effort. It's easy to claim God's supremecy in these moments. But what about when you feel like you are literally walking through the hopelessness of hell. What about moments like those? You know what those moments are...those are the moments that really show us how genuine our faith really is. Jesus isn't interested in redeeming moments...Jesus wants to make ALL THINGS new.

When we choose to believe there is no hope, in essence we are telling God that He is not capable of doing His work in the world and that is unaccpetable. Our small dreams are incapable of concieveing the plans the Lord has and in the same token our minds tend to limit God to our own agendas. That is why the thought of surrendering the battle is so freeing. When you take the step to give up control and the need to understand you then start to realize the opposition was actually fighting for you and not against you. Be careful not to misinterpret peace talks for fighting words...it will really save you some avoidable wounds.